The first day of school, 2013

It's looming over my shoulder, getting closer and closer. I'm torn between excitement and utter sadness; excitement at the prospects of watching my children grow and learn, and sad at the fact that they ARE growing, and each passing day gets them one day closer to adulthood.

Alayna starts middle school, MIDDLE SCHOOL! She's growing into such an amazing, smart, beautiful, kind young woman. I'm so proud of her. She's worked SO hard this last year. She's made 2-3 years progress in occupational therapy over the last 11 months. We're still waiting on her physical therapy evaluations, but I'm willing to bet there's some amazing progress there too.

Aiden, my sweet sweet boy is starting his last year of elementary school. God, that makes my heart ache. My little boy is not so little anymore. He's nearly as tall as his momma and just all around amazing. He's looking forward to next year and his move into middle school, for now, this momma is just trying to enjoy him as a little boy for one more year. We met his teacher tonight, and thankfully Aiden already knows him as he was Aiden's track coach last year.

Brooklyn is entering 1st grade. She's torn between complete excitement and anxiety. I'm hoping this year is better for her, she spent so much of last year so anxious every step of the way. We met her teacher today and saw her class list, she has friends from last year in her class, I'm really hoping that helps.

Isabella, my baby... She's starting Kindergarten. my baby is starting Kindergarten! She is SO ready. She's THRILLED, she cannot wait! In her mind Kindergarten is the equivalent of a trip to Disneyland. We won't know who her teacher is until Friday afternoon. She gets to go for 1 half day of school next week as a "get to know you and school" day.

Every day my babies get bigger and bigger, they get smarter and smarter, and I love them more and more. For now, I'm going to enjoy the fact that school hasn't started yet, that we still have a few more days of summer vacation, and I still have several more years of my babies as children.

Angel, the special American Pit Bull puppy

There's this rescue group in WA that is making SERIOUS false claims about at least one dog they've helped place. It's sickening that a RESCUE for medically special dogs would make false claims about a dog that was adopted out through their rescue group. I'm not sure if the information they were given is false, or if they are outright lying by choice. I do know that the original owner has tried to contact them in regards to the truth. I have also reached out, via a blog post and their facebook page, to let them know that Angel was NEVER intended to be used in dog fighting. There have yet to approve my comments on their blog and my comments on their facebook page have gone ignored.

They're trying to say that Angel, an American Pit Bull Terrier born without back paws, was "saved from a life of dog fighting" by her disabilities. This couldn't be FURTHER from the truth.

Angel was born in June of 2011 into the home of a family that absolutely LOVES their pets. None of their dogs have EVER been used in fighting, and to suggest otherwise is an outright lie and slander against this family. You see, my cousin was the original owner of Angel. She LOVED Angel and wanted to keep her. But, my cousin was unsure as to what type of life Angel would have and how she would meet Angel's needs. So, my cousin contacted Wags to Riches, an animal rescue group. They said that they had connections to a program in California that could help Angel and that they would update my cousin with how Angel was doing.

Unfortunately, they did NOT follow through with their claims to update about Angel. Much later my cousin found out that poor Angel contracted Parvo, which is VERY dangerous to young puppies. At that point Angel was sent to yet another animal rescue in back in Washington.

Most recently Angel was adopted out to an AMAZING home where she will live out her life with a wonderful family. This is a blog post about Angel as of last week, http://www.seattledogspot.com/blog/dog-blog/post/pawless-pitbull-from-yakima-saves-moms-life-on-first-day-in-her-forever-home?fb_action_ids=10200451499789297&fb_action_types=og.likes&fb_ref=.Ugahgbyq0k8.like&fb_source=other_multiline&action_object_map=%7B%2210200451499789297%22%3A248256511965693%7D&action_type_map=%7B%2210200451499789297%22%3A%22og.likes%22%7D&action_ref_map=%7B%2210200451499789297%22%3A%22.Ugahgbyq0k8.like%22%7D#comment_top

You'll notice in the article they AGAIN say, "Angel was born in Yakima and would most likely have suffered through a life in the cruel world of dog fighting, but because she was born with no paws on her hind legs, a rescue was able to save her from that fate." I have posted 2 comments explaining the truth behind Angel and what her original family intended for her, neither of those comments have been approved to appear on the blog. I'm certain that my cousin has also attempted to post comments regarding the truth to Angel's life.

Let me be VERY clear, Angel's parents were never used in dog fighting, Angel's siblings were never used in dog fighting, Angel would have NEVER been used in dog fighting. Angel's parents and siblings are FAMILY pets. Angel lived the first few months of her life in an amazing home with children who loved to snuggle her and gave her wonderful attention. The ONLY reason Angel was given up to a rescue agency is because the original family wasn't sure they would be able to meet Angel's medical needs.

So, I'm writing this to get the truth out. Angel was never intended to be a fighting dog. Not every American Pit Bull Terrier born was born to be a fighting dog. We need to stop this gross generalization of a very loved breed.

It was God's will....

I think those are the 4 worst words you can say to anyone who is grieving the loss of a loved one. I believe in God. I believe in a loving God, not a God who punishes by taking lives. I believe that as human beings, children of God, our lives are full of choices. Some are small: what to have for breakfast, whether to wear the blue or red shirt, etc. And some are huge.

Any of those choices, large or small, can result in life altering consequences. Maybe for breakfast you chose to have eggs rather than cereal so it takes you 5 minutes longer to prepare and because of that you miss a huge accident on the freeway. If you had chosen cereal, you would have been right there at that time. Maybe you didn't put your seat belt on right away and drove off, only to be involved in a serious accident a block from home.

Choices...

And some things just happen. This is where I waiver in my faith. Little Leila Grace and anencephaly. It just happened. Was it God's will? I don't believe it was God's will to take that baby, it was one of those things that happen without reason.

The loss of Emilee, was it God's will? I 100% do not believe so.

I believe that we are given the freedom of choice. Each choice we make, each action we take, has a consequence; some are good and some are bad. Today the pastor presiding over Emilee's service make a statement that moved me, and made me think of God's will. I can't recall his words exactly, but it was about how Emilee made a choice, and while God didn't condone that choice, he wept while she was making it. He also said that he believed Emilee was in heaven with her sweet Leila Grace, with her parents, and with all those who have passed before her.

I know I will someday see Emilee again. I know that God loves her. My heart will always grieve for her. For now, I continue to pray for her son, Dallas, her fiance, Will, and his two boys.

Suicide

Wow, nearly 1200 views of my blog about Emilee, and comments from strangers. That's pretty impressive seeing as none of my previous blogs managed to rake in no more than 50 or so views each.

Thank you all for sharing the blog, and for supporting Emilee's son, friends, and family.

It's times like this, when it's quiet, and all I can hear are my thoughts that it's the hardest. Those little "what ifs" that pop up in your head, the "if onlys" that scream through your mind. The terrible ache in your heart that can't be stopped. In my mind I know I did all that I could, but my heart... My heart says maybe I could have helped save her if I had reached out one more time. Just once more. Who knows? I think that's the worst part, the wondering of what I could have done differently.

Those of you who've heard about Emilee and judged her as a coward, or selfish, or thoughtless of her son, PLEASE do not judge 25 years of her life based on one final choice. You haven't lived her life, experienced her experiences, or suffered her loss and pain. No one is in a position to judge her. She was an amazing person, who suffered a lot of loss and pain in her 25 years.

Depression is real. It is life altering. It is beyond painful. Calling someone a coward when the depression wins isn't helpful. It makes the problem worse. How is someone suffering from depression so badly they would consider suicide supposed to feel when they hear, or read, those words? Do you think they'll reach out for help knowing you think them a coward?

I believe that Emilee is in heaven, with her sweet daughter Leila Grace, her parents and all of her loved ones who passed before her. I know that her heart is free of pain. I only hope that her son can someday understand that it wasn't about him. His mother loved him more than anything in this world. From the day she learned he was growing in her body her heart was his.

So please, please don't judge Emilee. Please don't judge her life based on one moment of utter weakness and pain.

RIP Emilee Granatowski

I still don't have many details, just that my friend took her own life. She was over the moon excited to find out she was expecting, in October she found out her baby was a girl. Just a few days later she received the devastating news that regardless of when she delivered her sweet baby wouldn't survive outside the womb. Her daughter, whom she lovingly named Leila Grace, was diagnosed with a rare neural defect called anencephaly. Most babies with anencephaly live only a  few short minutes, some may even live hours or possibly even days. Very rarely they may live weeks or even months. None have ever lived to see their first birthday. In November Emilee delivered her sweet angel, who passed on just moments after making her entrance into this world.

Emilee was an amazing person, she had over come so much loss and adversity in her life. Her mom passed when she was 9, her dad passed when she was 16, her only sibling lived across the country. Emilee had a wonderful son, Dallas, who is just 5 days younger than my daughter Brooklyn. We originally met on myspace of all places. We were in a group for mommies due in December 2006. We shared our hopes and dreams for our little ones, the ups and downs of pregnancy. Shortly after the births of our children we decided to meet in real life. That was the beginning of a beautiful friendship. She helped me through my post partum depression, offering a shoulder to lean on or cry on, a friend to call, anything I needed. I only wish I could have been given the chance to do the same for her in her biggest moment of need.

Over the last 2 years, as life changed for both of us, we didn't talk as much off of the internet, we didn't see each other as much. I'll always regret that. I don't think that had I reached out more I could have saved her or prevented this. I'll always wish that I had, but in my mind I know, no one had control over Emilee's actions. I tried reaching out several times after the birth of Leila, I mentioned to my husband,  to my mom, and to friends how worried I was about Emilee. The one time I mentioned it to Emilee she said she was getting help. I just wish I had kept mentioning it to her.

Part of me is heart broken. My heart aches, it's shattered. 25 years old, and gone forever. A poor sweet 6 year old boy will grow up without his mother. The other part of me is angry, so very angry. She KNEW what it was like to grow up without a mother! She had an amazing little boy who needed her. A fiance who loved her. So many friends who would have done anything to help her. I can't even put into words how angry I am. I would have done anything to help her, ANYTHING. I don't know the pain of losing a child, and I pray, with all of my heart and soul, that I never do.

I am crushed, beyond words. This is a loss that will forever change me. Emilee, I will forever be grateful for the time we had together, for the friendship we shared. Not a day will go by that I wont think of you, that I wont miss you. I hope you are at peace, with your lovely daughter and amazing parents. I love you.

Friends and family, anyone who reads this blog: Please, if you ever feel as if life has gotten to be too much, as if you can't go on, please, I beg you, reach out to someone, anyone.

Be thankful for what you have

That's the point of Thanksgiving right? To be thankful for what you have, to enjoy your family. Sometimes we forget about that.

Sometimes I'm stressed: appointments, school, specialists, therapy activities and exercises, homework, housework, etc. It gets to be too much, and then I complain. If only we didn't have that appointment I could do this instead. If only Brooklyn wouldn't have a meltdown I could go to the grocery store, etc.

I have a friend who is pregnant with her second child, a little girl. She's due on Valentine's day. She has a little  boy who is almost 6, and he was really looking forward to being a big brother. Early last month her daughter was diagnosed with a fatal neurological defect called Anencephaly. This randomly occurs when the top of the neural tube doesn't close, the top part of the head and majority of the brain fail to form. There is no cure, and no chance of survival. In the most perfect of situations Anencephaly babies live for a few weeks, maybe a couple of months. Most commonly they live minutes to a couple hours after birth, if they aren't born an angel.

This friend is currently in labor to delivery her precious baby angel right now. My heart is broken for her. I know how much she wished for those next few months to feel her little one growing and kicking her in belly. And it makes me think of my kiddos, of how lucky I am to have them. As much as my girls require a lot of care, their disorders/conditions aren't life threatening. My children will be here tomorrow. My friend, she'd probably give anything to be in my situation.

Putting things into perspective... Sometimes we all need a little reminder.

Emilee, Will, and children, you guys are in our prayers. Love to you all.

If you'd like, you can follow Emilee's story at http://babyleilagrace.blogspot.com/

Sometimes it's all too much

I had a blog all written, I spent the hour of Brooklyn's therapy on Monday to write it all up. All the new things with the girls, therapy, medication, casts, IEP meetings, etc. But, that's gonna be put on hold for a minute.

The title says it all, sometimes it's all too much.

Therapy appointments, specialists appointments, school, homework, therapy activities and exercises. Sometimes it's enough to make you want to tear your hair out while plotting the quickest route to Mexico so that you can run away.

Please don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE my children. I could not imagine my life without them. And I don't just love those happy, wonderful, snuggling, moments. I love the crappy moments too. I may not love them IN the moment, but afterwards I get to thinking, "God chose ME to be their mother. God chose ME  to raise them, love them, and meet their needs. If God has that much faith in ME, I should have the faith in Him to know that he made the right choice."

But, I don't always feel that until hours, sometimes even days, after those moments. When Brooklyn's having a meltdown and I can't get through to her, and no one has clean pants for the next day, and all the plates are dirty, and I desperately need to vacuum the living room, and Alayna has homework that needs looking over, and someone needs to make dinner... All I can think is WHY ME? I am SO not equipped for this. God, I cannot be the mom you, and these kids, need me to be. It's too much! I can't do it, and I quit.

I never do actually quit, but I gotta tell you, sometimes a tropical beach ALONE sounds pretty damn good. And, since we're dreaming here, lets add in an unlimited supply of some yummy tropical drink, heavy on the rum.

And my stress doesn't just come from making sure Alayna and Brooklyn have their needs met. I also have to meet the needs of a demanding 4 year old, my sweet sweet Bella-boo, but also my amazing and oh so sensitive Aiden. My poor boy that gets told no for most of the things HE wants to do because I don't have the time or the money to let him. And he's so sweet about it, even though he's disappointed that I had to say no, AGAIN, he understands. How I got so lucky with him I'll never know. I may not say it enough, but I thank God that I was chosen to be his mother. I'm so proud of him and thankful that he is the young man he is.

I've spent the last few weeks worrying about money (Brooklyn turns 6 in 4 weeks, Christmas is coming, gas too and from appointments, etc), stressing about time (12-13 regular monthly appointments, school, keeping up on the house, etc), and otherwise just in a poor mood.

But, tomorrow is another day. And I have 4 of the most amazing people in the world who depend on me for just about everything. So, thank you God for giving me these blessings, and help me to remember how lucky I am to call them my children. Especially when I'm tired, Brooklyn is having a meltdown, Aiden wants to play video games, Bella wants to pick a show on Netflix, Alayna needs homework check and oh so conveniently forgot about a project that's due soon, and dinner needs to be made. Because, Lord, I can promise you, that's about the time I'm going to need that reminder.

Alayna coming home!

Today, the new parenting plan officially giving Joe custody was signed by a judge! We have to wait about a week to get a certified copy from the court house. We are all VERY excited, especially Alayna. Don't get me wrong, she loves her mom, and her mom loves her; but Alayna's life at our house is very different than the one she lives at her mom's.

At her mom's house, she's an only child. She doesn't get a lot of interaction with kids outside of school, and they (from what we know) lead a very adult focused life. At our house, we have 3 other kids. There is ALWAYS something child friendly going on. We live a very child focused life. Very few of the activities we plan are for Joe and I; a good 98% of them are for the kids.

We've already spoken to the local school about Alayna and her special needs. She will be getting a full IEP evaluation (PT, OT, speech, social skills, academics, etc) EVERYTHING will be evaluated. We're expecting that she'll qualify for PT for gross motor skills, possible OT for sensory, speech/social for social skills development, and academic support. Alayna is very bright, but we don't know that she's ever really been pushed to reach her full potential.

The plan is to get her as much support through the local public school as possible and then decide if she needs more outside support. We'd also like to get her into counseling to help her work through all of the huge changes going on in her life right now. We think it would help her to have someone not involved (Joe, me, or her mom) to talk to about her concerns and feelings without having to worry about the feelings of the person she's talking to.

We are all very excited to have her home full time; however during the summer she'll be home every other week so that she can also spend time with her mom. Once school starts in September she'll be visiting her mom every other weekend.

And next week, Alayna turns 12 years old! I'll have a nice big post about that. I can't believe how big she's gotten and how fast time has gone. My little princess that could barely walk and talk when I first met her is almost all grown up!