Things I have to say to my kids: Part 1

This is an installment of a series of posts dedicated to the crazy, disturbing and confusing things we as parents have to say to our kids periodically. For years, we have complained that the things we have to say to these... lovely children... are statements and commands we should not have to say to another human being. In all fun, we would like to share our joys and laughter with you people.

Recently:

"Don't finger paint with the honey. Use a knife."

"You don't tickle the dog's ear with your toes."

"If you lick the couch, you need to have a good reason!"

"Stop sniffing your sister's butt!"

"Sweeping the dirt under the eaves of the cabinets doesn't mean the floor is clean."

"Not playing Club Penguin is not the end of the world!"

"What game requires wearing dirty clothes on your head?"

"I don't know any child that has died because they didn't get candy at movie night."

Some past favorites:

"Stop wiping your bread on your sister!"

"Butter is not facepaint."

"That TV cable is not a neck tie!"

"Why would you fingerpaint in the shower with the rest of the leg shaving gel?"

"What have you people got against wiping off the poop on the toilet seat?"

"The dog does not want to be rolled into a ball."

How about you? What have you had to say to your kids you would never think you had to say to another human being?