It was God's will....

I think those are the 4 worst words you can say to anyone who is grieving the loss of a loved one. I believe in God. I believe in a loving God, not a God who punishes by taking lives. I believe that as human beings, children of God, our lives are full of choices. Some are small: what to have for breakfast, whether to wear the blue or red shirt, etc. And some are huge.

Any of those choices, large or small, can result in life altering consequences. Maybe for breakfast you chose to have eggs rather than cereal so it takes you 5 minutes longer to prepare and because of that you miss a huge accident on the freeway. If you had chosen cereal, you would have been right there at that time. Maybe you didn't put your seat belt on right away and drove off, only to be involved in a serious accident a block from home.

Choices...

And some things just happen. This is where I waiver in my faith. Little Leila Grace and anencephaly. It just happened. Was it God's will? I don't believe it was God's will to take that baby, it was one of those things that happen without reason.

The loss of Emilee, was it God's will? I 100% do not believe so.

I believe that we are given the freedom of choice. Each choice we make, each action we take, has a consequence; some are good and some are bad. Today the pastor presiding over Emilee's service make a statement that moved me, and made me think of God's will. I can't recall his words exactly, but it was about how Emilee made a choice, and while God didn't condone that choice, he wept while she was making it. He also said that he believed Emilee was in heaven with her sweet Leila Grace, with her parents, and with all those who have passed before her.

I know I will someday see Emilee again. I know that God loves her. My heart will always grieve for her. For now, I continue to pray for her son, Dallas, her fiance, Will, and his two boys.

Suicide

Wow, nearly 1200 views of my blog about Emilee, and comments from strangers. That's pretty impressive seeing as none of my previous blogs managed to rake in no more than 50 or so views each.

Thank you all for sharing the blog, and for supporting Emilee's son, friends, and family.

It's times like this, when it's quiet, and all I can hear are my thoughts that it's the hardest. Those little "what ifs" that pop up in your head, the "if onlys" that scream through your mind. The terrible ache in your heart that can't be stopped. In my mind I know I did all that I could, but my heart... My heart says maybe I could have helped save her if I had reached out one more time. Just once more. Who knows? I think that's the worst part, the wondering of what I could have done differently.

Those of you who've heard about Emilee and judged her as a coward, or selfish, or thoughtless of her son, PLEASE do not judge 25 years of her life based on one final choice. You haven't lived her life, experienced her experiences, or suffered her loss and pain. No one is in a position to judge her. She was an amazing person, who suffered a lot of loss and pain in her 25 years.

Depression is real. It is life altering. It is beyond painful. Calling someone a coward when the depression wins isn't helpful. It makes the problem worse. How is someone suffering from depression so badly they would consider suicide supposed to feel when they hear, or read, those words? Do you think they'll reach out for help knowing you think them a coward?

I believe that Emilee is in heaven, with her sweet daughter Leila Grace, her parents and all of her loved ones who passed before her. I know that her heart is free of pain. I only hope that her son can someday understand that it wasn't about him. His mother loved him more than anything in this world. From the day she learned he was growing in her body her heart was his.

So please, please don't judge Emilee. Please don't judge her life based on one moment of utter weakness and pain.

RIP Emilee Granatowski

I still don't have many details, just that my friend took her own life. She was over the moon excited to find out she was expecting, in October she found out her baby was a girl. Just a few days later she received the devastating news that regardless of when she delivered her sweet baby wouldn't survive outside the womb. Her daughter, whom she lovingly named Leila Grace, was diagnosed with a rare neural defect called anencephaly. Most babies with anencephaly live only a  few short minutes, some may even live hours or possibly even days. Very rarely they may live weeks or even months. None have ever lived to see their first birthday. In November Emilee delivered her sweet angel, who passed on just moments after making her entrance into this world.

Emilee was an amazing person, she had over come so much loss and adversity in her life. Her mom passed when she was 9, her dad passed when she was 16, her only sibling lived across the country. Emilee had a wonderful son, Dallas, who is just 5 days younger than my daughter Brooklyn. We originally met on myspace of all places. We were in a group for mommies due in December 2006. We shared our hopes and dreams for our little ones, the ups and downs of pregnancy. Shortly after the births of our children we decided to meet in real life. That was the beginning of a beautiful friendship. She helped me through my post partum depression, offering a shoulder to lean on or cry on, a friend to call, anything I needed. I only wish I could have been given the chance to do the same for her in her biggest moment of need.

Over the last 2 years, as life changed for both of us, we didn't talk as much off of the internet, we didn't see each other as much. I'll always regret that. I don't think that had I reached out more I could have saved her or prevented this. I'll always wish that I had, but in my mind I know, no one had control over Emilee's actions. I tried reaching out several times after the birth of Leila, I mentioned to my husband,  to my mom, and to friends how worried I was about Emilee. The one time I mentioned it to Emilee she said she was getting help. I just wish I had kept mentioning it to her.

Part of me is heart broken. My heart aches, it's shattered. 25 years old, and gone forever. A poor sweet 6 year old boy will grow up without his mother. The other part of me is angry, so very angry. She KNEW what it was like to grow up without a mother! She had an amazing little boy who needed her. A fiance who loved her. So many friends who would have done anything to help her. I can't even put into words how angry I am. I would have done anything to help her, ANYTHING. I don't know the pain of losing a child, and I pray, with all of my heart and soul, that I never do.

I am crushed, beyond words. This is a loss that will forever change me. Emilee, I will forever be grateful for the time we had together, for the friendship we shared. Not a day will go by that I wont think of you, that I wont miss you. I hope you are at peace, with your lovely daughter and amazing parents. I love you.

Friends and family, anyone who reads this blog: Please, if you ever feel as if life has gotten to be too much, as if you can't go on, please, I beg you, reach out to someone, anyone.