RIP Emilee Granatowski

I still don't have many details, just that my friend took her own life. She was over the moon excited to find out she was expecting, in October she found out her baby was a girl. Just a few days later she received the devastating news that regardless of when she delivered her sweet baby wouldn't survive outside the womb. Her daughter, whom she lovingly named Leila Grace, was diagnosed with a rare neural defect called anencephaly. Most babies with anencephaly live only a  few short minutes, some may even live hours or possibly even days. Very rarely they may live weeks or even months. None have ever lived to see their first birthday. In November Emilee delivered her sweet angel, who passed on just moments after making her entrance into this world.

Emilee was an amazing person, she had over come so much loss and adversity in her life. Her mom passed when she was 9, her dad passed when she was 16, her only sibling lived across the country. Emilee had a wonderful son, Dallas, who is just 5 days younger than my daughter Brooklyn. We originally met on myspace of all places. We were in a group for mommies due in December 2006. We shared our hopes and dreams for our little ones, the ups and downs of pregnancy. Shortly after the births of our children we decided to meet in real life. That was the beginning of a beautiful friendship. She helped me through my post partum depression, offering a shoulder to lean on or cry on, a friend to call, anything I needed. I only wish I could have been given the chance to do the same for her in her biggest moment of need.

Over the last 2 years, as life changed for both of us, we didn't talk as much off of the internet, we didn't see each other as much. I'll always regret that. I don't think that had I reached out more I could have saved her or prevented this. I'll always wish that I had, but in my mind I know, no one had control over Emilee's actions. I tried reaching out several times after the birth of Leila, I mentioned to my husband,  to my mom, and to friends how worried I was about Emilee. The one time I mentioned it to Emilee she said she was getting help. I just wish I had kept mentioning it to her.

Part of me is heart broken. My heart aches, it's shattered. 25 years old, and gone forever. A poor sweet 6 year old boy will grow up without his mother. The other part of me is angry, so very angry. She KNEW what it was like to grow up without a mother! She had an amazing little boy who needed her. A fiance who loved her. So many friends who would have done anything to help her. I can't even put into words how angry I am. I would have done anything to help her, ANYTHING. I don't know the pain of losing a child, and I pray, with all of my heart and soul, that I never do.

I am crushed, beyond words. This is a loss that will forever change me. Emilee, I will forever be grateful for the time we had together, for the friendship we shared. Not a day will go by that I wont think of you, that I wont miss you. I hope you are at peace, with your lovely daughter and amazing parents. I love you.

Friends and family, anyone who reads this blog: Please, if you ever feel as if life has gotten to be too much, as if you can't go on, please, I beg you, reach out to someone, anyone.

Bad stuff happens, and has...

Made with deviantArt muro by Joe

Seems like the last few weeks has been a lesson in dealing with the negatives of life. A customer of mine and good acquaintance who frequented my work died, shot by a crazy friend's neighbor at a party. Our friend, Jennifer Peters, died from her fight with cancer. Then just this last week a girl our family has known for a very long time, Morgan for 15 years and me for 10, died from a hit-and-run when she crossed SR503 in Battle Ground. It's not what anyone wants to go through. Add the frustrations of work and having so much stuff in such a small apartment, it forces you to consider what you can do to counteract this feeling of hopelessness, like the world is fighting against you.

It seems so cliche to say, "Use these tragedies to learn a lesson and make yourself better." But why shouldn't you make that the first thing you do in times like this? A friend dies in a shooting, so you make a point to consider the places you frequent and the people you let your children hang out with. A very good person dies of cancer, and you decide to donate your time in some way to cancer survivors. Someone gets hit on a busy highway so you donate money to a cause that provides traffic safety education to children. And in the midst, you remember these people not as tragic stories of loss but instead as inspirations to greatness.

As my quick little sketch above states, bad stuff happens. There's really not much you can do to be affected by the sublime events of life; sometime, somewhere, some way, you will be caught up in the ripple effect of a tragedy. It's inevitable. The question you have to ask yourself is what you will do when it happens. Will you let it take over your thoughts, coloring your world with a dark overtone and a haze of depression? Or will you focus the light in your life on your dark spot to clear its effect on you away?