I still don't have many details, just that my friend took her own life. She was over the moon excited to find out she was expecting, in October she found out her baby was a girl. Just a few days later she received the devastating news that regardless of when she delivered her sweet baby wouldn't survive outside the womb. Her daughter, whom she lovingly named Leila Grace, was diagnosed with a rare neural defect called anencephaly. Most babies with anencephaly live only a few short minutes, some may even live hours or possibly even days. Very rarely they may live weeks or even months. None have ever lived to see their first birthday. In November Emilee delivered her sweet angel, who passed on just moments after making her entrance into this world.
Emilee was an amazing person, she had over come so much loss and adversity in her life. Her mom passed when she was 9, her dad passed when she was 16, her only sibling lived across the country. Emilee had a wonderful son, Dallas, who is just 5 days younger than my daughter Brooklyn. We originally met on myspace of all places. We were in a group for mommies due in December 2006. We shared our hopes and dreams for our little ones, the ups and downs of pregnancy. Shortly after the births of our children we decided to meet in real life. That was the beginning of a beautiful friendship. She helped me through my post partum depression, offering a shoulder to lean on or cry on, a friend to call, anything I needed. I only wish I could have been given the chance to do the same for her in her biggest moment of need.
Over the last 2 years, as life changed for both of us, we didn't talk as much off of the internet, we didn't see each other as much. I'll always regret that. I don't think that had I reached out more I could have saved her or prevented this. I'll always wish that I had, but in my mind I know, no one had control over Emilee's actions. I tried reaching out several times after the birth of Leila, I mentioned to my husband, to my mom, and to friends how worried I was about Emilee. The one time I mentioned it to Emilee she said she was getting help. I just wish I had kept mentioning it to her.
Part of me is heart broken. My heart aches, it's shattered. 25 years old, and gone forever. A poor sweet 6 year old boy will grow up without his mother. The other part of me is angry, so very angry. She KNEW what it was like to grow up without a mother! She had an amazing little boy who needed her. A fiance who loved her. So many friends who would have done anything to help her. I can't even put into words how angry I am. I would have done anything to help her, ANYTHING. I don't know the pain of losing a child, and I pray, with all of my heart and soul, that I never do.
I am crushed, beyond words. This is a loss that will forever change me. Emilee, I will forever be grateful for the time we had together, for the friendship we shared. Not a day will go by that I wont think of you, that I wont miss you. I hope you are at peace, with your lovely daughter and amazing parents. I love you.
Friends and family, anyone who reads this blog: Please, if you ever feel as if life has gotten to be too much, as if you can't go on, please, I beg you, reach out to someone, anyone.