Sometimes it's all too much

I had a blog all written, I spent the hour of Brooklyn's therapy on Monday to write it all up. All the new things with the girls, therapy, medication, casts, IEP meetings, etc. But, that's gonna be put on hold for a minute.

The title says it all, sometimes it's all too much.

Therapy appointments, specialists appointments, school, homework, therapy activities and exercises. Sometimes it's enough to make you want to tear your hair out while plotting the quickest route to Mexico so that you can run away.

Please don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE my children. I could not imagine my life without them. And I don't just love those happy, wonderful, snuggling, moments. I love the crappy moments too. I may not love them IN the moment, but afterwards I get to thinking, "God chose ME to be their mother. God chose ME  to raise them, love them, and meet their needs. If God has that much faith in ME, I should have the faith in Him to know that he made the right choice."

But, I don't always feel that until hours, sometimes even days, after those moments. When Brooklyn's having a meltdown and I can't get through to her, and no one has clean pants for the next day, and all the plates are dirty, and I desperately need to vacuum the living room, and Alayna has homework that needs looking over, and someone needs to make dinner... All I can think is WHY ME? I am SO not equipped for this. God, I cannot be the mom you, and these kids, need me to be. It's too much! I can't do it, and I quit.

I never do actually quit, but I gotta tell you, sometimes a tropical beach ALONE sounds pretty damn good. And, since we're dreaming here, lets add in an unlimited supply of some yummy tropical drink, heavy on the rum.

And my stress doesn't just come from making sure Alayna and Brooklyn have their needs met. I also have to meet the needs of a demanding 4 year old, my sweet sweet Bella-boo, but also my amazing and oh so sensitive Aiden. My poor boy that gets told no for most of the things HE wants to do because I don't have the time or the money to let him. And he's so sweet about it, even though he's disappointed that I had to say no, AGAIN, he understands. How I got so lucky with him I'll never know. I may not say it enough, but I thank God that I was chosen to be his mother. I'm so proud of him and thankful that he is the young man he is.

I've spent the last few weeks worrying about money (Brooklyn turns 6 in 4 weeks, Christmas is coming, gas too and from appointments, etc), stressing about time (12-13 regular monthly appointments, school, keeping up on the house, etc), and otherwise just in a poor mood.

But, tomorrow is another day. And I have 4 of the most amazing people in the world who depend on me for just about everything. So, thank you God for giving me these blessings, and help me to remember how lucky I am to call them my children. Especially when I'm tired, Brooklyn is having a meltdown, Aiden wants to play video games, Bella wants to pick a show on Netflix, Alayna needs homework check and oh so conveniently forgot about a project that's due soon, and dinner needs to be made. Because, Lord, I can promise you, that's about the time I'm going to need that reminder.