Suicide

Wow, nearly 1200 views of my blog about Emilee, and comments from strangers. That's pretty impressive seeing as none of my previous blogs managed to rake in no more than 50 or so views each.

Thank you all for sharing the blog, and for supporting Emilee's son, friends, and family.

It's times like this, when it's quiet, and all I can hear are my thoughts that it's the hardest. Those little "what ifs" that pop up in your head, the "if onlys" that scream through your mind. The terrible ache in your heart that can't be stopped. In my mind I know I did all that I could, but my heart... My heart says maybe I could have helped save her if I had reached out one more time. Just once more. Who knows? I think that's the worst part, the wondering of what I could have done differently.

Those of you who've heard about Emilee and judged her as a coward, or selfish, or thoughtless of her son, PLEASE do not judge 25 years of her life based on one final choice. You haven't lived her life, experienced her experiences, or suffered her loss and pain. No one is in a position to judge her. She was an amazing person, who suffered a lot of loss and pain in her 25 years.

Depression is real. It is life altering. It is beyond painful. Calling someone a coward when the depression wins isn't helpful. It makes the problem worse. How is someone suffering from depression so badly they would consider suicide supposed to feel when they hear, or read, those words? Do you think they'll reach out for help knowing you think them a coward?

I believe that Emilee is in heaven, with her sweet daughter Leila Grace, her parents and all of her loved ones who passed before her. I know that her heart is free of pain. I only hope that her son can someday understand that it wasn't about him. His mother loved him more than anything in this world. From the day she learned he was growing in her body her heart was his.

So please, please don't judge Emilee. Please don't judge her life based on one moment of utter weakness and pain.

Bad stuff happens, and has...

Made with deviantArt muro by Joe

Seems like the last few weeks has been a lesson in dealing with the negatives of life. A customer of mine and good acquaintance who frequented my work died, shot by a crazy friend's neighbor at a party. Our friend, Jennifer Peters, died from her fight with cancer. Then just this last week a girl our family has known for a very long time, Morgan for 15 years and me for 10, died from a hit-and-run when she crossed SR503 in Battle Ground. It's not what anyone wants to go through. Add the frustrations of work and having so much stuff in such a small apartment, it forces you to consider what you can do to counteract this feeling of hopelessness, like the world is fighting against you.

It seems so cliche to say, "Use these tragedies to learn a lesson and make yourself better." But why shouldn't you make that the first thing you do in times like this? A friend dies in a shooting, so you make a point to consider the places you frequent and the people you let your children hang out with. A very good person dies of cancer, and you decide to donate your time in some way to cancer survivors. Someone gets hit on a busy highway so you donate money to a cause that provides traffic safety education to children. And in the midst, you remember these people not as tragic stories of loss but instead as inspirations to greatness.

As my quick little sketch above states, bad stuff happens. There's really not much you can do to be affected by the sublime events of life; sometime, somewhere, some way, you will be caught up in the ripple effect of a tragedy. It's inevitable. The question you have to ask yourself is what you will do when it happens. Will you let it take over your thoughts, coloring your world with a dark overtone and a haze of depression? Or will you focus the light in your life on your dark spot to clear its effect on you away?